App State No Longer Crack, Now Coke School
November 21st, 2024
INDIANAPOLIS - The NCAA announced on Tuesday that, reflecting the changing economic demographics of students, Appalachian State University will be moved from the Freebased Crack Conference (FCC) to the Powder Cocaine Conference (PCC) for the 2025-2026 season. The move was expected by App State administration, who began the demolition of the Anne Duncan Trap House before students returned to campus in August. App State entrepreneurs and coke fiends will now go sky-high alongside students from schools like UNC Chapel Hill, Duke, and Wake Forest.
"The change is going to take some adjustment, but we're really excited about what we've got going on development-wise and what our scouts are looking at across the state," says Derrick Gunt, the recently hired head coach of the Snorting Mountaineers. Gunt has a background in high-stakes drug events, previously slinging at Berkshire-Hathaway and for the Kennedy Family. Baxton Pierot, a dropshipper and degenerate cocaine addict out of Wake County, made a verbal commitment last Saturday and expressed intentions to begin raging with the team in his freshman year. National signing day for collegiate drug users is May 1st.
App State's nosedive into nostril candy has been rife with controversy, with many students alleging the move is in the interest of bringing deeper pockets to campus. When pressed with these claims, a university spokesperson had this to say:
"We know what crack means for our story as a university, and those students will still have a place on our campus in our new UREC intramural crack benders. However, we believe moving towards cocaine will create a more hygienic and inviting atmosphere and attract new kinds of voices we want engaged in our dialogue. It's time we say goodbye to 'Trappalachian State' once and for all."
While the sport has changed, Appalachian State still has an eye for its mission. “This coke bender is taking place on the ancestral lands of the ᎠᏂᏴᏫᏯ (Cherokee), the yeh is-WAH h’reh (Catawba), and other indigenous peoples,” reads a sign placed outside Peacock Hall before the “Yosef Clause’s Snow Hoes” winter social on Friday night. When we asked 4-star recruit Pat Braddock what the coke program meant to him: “I do lines at App today because my parents had to do their lines off strippers’ bellies in Tulúm. To be the first in my family to powder my nose at a D1 institution is an honor.”
Watch out App State, because there’s a strong forecast this winter: 12 inches of Columbian snow.
"The change is going to take some adjustment, but we're really excited about what we've got going on development-wise and what our scouts are looking at across the state," says Derrick Gunt, the recently hired head coach of the Snorting Mountaineers. Gunt has a background in high-stakes drug events, previously slinging at Berkshire-Hathaway and for the Kennedy Family. Baxton Pierot, a dropshipper and degenerate cocaine addict out of Wake County, made a verbal commitment last Saturday and expressed intentions to begin raging with the team in his freshman year. National signing day for collegiate drug users is May 1st.
App State's nosedive into nostril candy has been rife with controversy, with many students alleging the move is in the interest of bringing deeper pockets to campus. When pressed with these claims, a university spokesperson had this to say:
"We know what crack means for our story as a university, and those students will still have a place on our campus in our new UREC intramural crack benders. However, we believe moving towards cocaine will create a more hygienic and inviting atmosphere and attract new kinds of voices we want engaged in our dialogue. It's time we say goodbye to 'Trappalachian State' once and for all."
While the sport has changed, Appalachian State still has an eye for its mission. “This coke bender is taking place on the ancestral lands of the ᎠᏂᏴᏫᏯ (Cherokee), the yeh is-WAH h’reh (Catawba), and other indigenous peoples,” reads a sign placed outside Peacock Hall before the “Yosef Clause’s Snow Hoes” winter social on Friday night. When we asked 4-star recruit Pat Braddock what the coke program meant to him: “I do lines at App today because my parents had to do their lines off strippers’ bellies in Tulúm. To be the first in my family to powder my nose at a D1 institution is an honor.”
Watch out App State, because there’s a strong forecast this winter: 12 inches of Columbian snow.