Biochem Students Reportedly Using Central As Testing Ground For Lab-Grown Meat
November 30th, 2023
CENTRAL - Have you noticed your Central meats tasting…homemade? Perhaps your brisket came out tasting like chemicals, or your burger doesn’t feel quite like beef? If your salmon flakes on a molecular level, or you notice the chicken cutlets wriggling a bit, worry not; you have just participated in a biochem student’s weekly lab!
Artificially grown meat is nothing new to the science world, and the biochem students over at Rankin have been working on secret, lab-grown meat for years now. Most of this testing was relegated to the occasional meat-blob served to the snakes, but recent breakthroughs have permitted the creation of entire flanks of cell-cultured meat. In a recent agreement with the supervisors at Central Dining Hall to try and cut costs, the biochem undergraduate products are being served daily at Central to test commercial viability.
Don’t be alarmed by this news. Lab technicians have promised that the meat is safe to consume and that odd tastes and textures should be chalked up to minor chemical imbalances. Texture changes are also not to be alarming. The meat, they ensure, also meets all the same macronutrient standards as a real cut of meat. No comments were made towards the ethicality of the meat.
These selections can be identified by the “Rankin Meat Lab” sticker. A new product, the “Rankin Meat Stick” hits the floor next week. It supposedly consists of artificial beef with accents of synthetic anglerfish and moose for flavor and protein.
Any and all complaints should be referred to the ‘Suggestions’ box, found near the dishwasher conveyor belt.
Artificially grown meat is nothing new to the science world, and the biochem students over at Rankin have been working on secret, lab-grown meat for years now. Most of this testing was relegated to the occasional meat-blob served to the snakes, but recent breakthroughs have permitted the creation of entire flanks of cell-cultured meat. In a recent agreement with the supervisors at Central Dining Hall to try and cut costs, the biochem undergraduate products are being served daily at Central to test commercial viability.
Don’t be alarmed by this news. Lab technicians have promised that the meat is safe to consume and that odd tastes and textures should be chalked up to minor chemical imbalances. Texture changes are also not to be alarming. The meat, they ensure, also meets all the same macronutrient standards as a real cut of meat. No comments were made towards the ethicality of the meat.
These selections can be identified by the “Rankin Meat Lab” sticker. A new product, the “Rankin Meat Stick” hits the floor next week. It supposedly consists of artificial beef with accents of synthetic anglerfish and moose for flavor and protein.
Any and all complaints should be referred to the ‘Suggestions’ box, found near the dishwasher conveyor belt.