Dick And Dunk: I Am Not So Drunk (But They Are)
September 17th, 2026
SANFORD MALL - Well, even as summer winds down, the Frats are continuing to bravely put themselves out there, trying to attract as many insecure freshmen as they can to abuse. And they’re accomplishing it with dunk tanks.
It’s a common occurrence: you’re walking by on Sanford Mall, oblivious to the inanities of the Brothers surrounding you, when all of a sudden you’re beaned in the head by a stray ball. This gets your attention. You drop your headphones and raise your gaze; you see The Tank, you feel the spray of water (or is it water?) as yet another muscled, hairless manchild goes down. The uproar is uproarious. The odor is odorous.
You get home and your boyfriend accuses you of picking up the bottle again, even though you claim to have put it down a year ago. You swear you haven’t and remember being splashed by Dunk Tank Liquid® as Ryder #27 got dunked. You are suspicious.
Fear not these allegations of day-drunken revelry! The Rotten Appal is here to assist. We sent our illustrious Field Team out to collect a sample of the Dunk Tank Liquid®, narrowly avoiding getting hazed in the process, to bring back for our Resident Sommelier. The report came back earlier than expected; our Sommelier reports notes of Grey Goose, GHB, and semen.
Now your boyfriend can rest easy knowing that you did not take up the drink, but instead were the unwitting recipient of Dunk Tank Liquid® spray; and you can rest easy knowing that Boyfriend will not ship you back off to rehab.
Tune in next week to find out who spiked the Dunk Tank with GHB. Sources claim that it was only supposed to be Grey Goose and semen. Our excellent Research Team is on it!
It’s a common occurrence: you’re walking by on Sanford Mall, oblivious to the inanities of the Brothers surrounding you, when all of a sudden you’re beaned in the head by a stray ball. This gets your attention. You drop your headphones and raise your gaze; you see The Tank, you feel the spray of water (or is it water?) as yet another muscled, hairless manchild goes down. The uproar is uproarious. The odor is odorous.
You get home and your boyfriend accuses you of picking up the bottle again, even though you claim to have put it down a year ago. You swear you haven’t and remember being splashed by Dunk Tank Liquid® as Ryder #27 got dunked. You are suspicious.
Fear not these allegations of day-drunken revelry! The Rotten Appal is here to assist. We sent our illustrious Field Team out to collect a sample of the Dunk Tank Liquid®, narrowly avoiding getting hazed in the process, to bring back for our Resident Sommelier. The report came back earlier than expected; our Sommelier reports notes of Grey Goose, GHB, and semen.
Now your boyfriend can rest easy knowing that you did not take up the drink, but instead were the unwitting recipient of Dunk Tank Liquid® spray; and you can rest easy knowing that Boyfriend will not ship you back off to rehab.
Tune in next week to find out who spiked the Dunk Tank with GHB. Sources claim that it was only supposed to be Grey Goose and semen. Our excellent Research Team is on it!
