Dungeons and Dragons Enthusiast Disappointed by Night Secrets’ Promise of ‘Ultimate Fantasy Store'
February 18th, 2022
BOONE, NC - Local tabletop gaming enthusiast Billy Finklestein confirmed to reporters today that upon his visiting local business Night Secrets, he can not in good conscience allow them to continue to claim to offer the “ultimate fantasy store” as promised on their sign.
“It’s really absurd” said Finklestein as he donned a blue robe and clutched a staff in one hand and a bag full of polyhedral dice in the other. “I mean, I entered hoping to find the finest in in game modules and magic wands and all I found was erotic literature and magic ‘wands’ of a different kind. There oughta’ be a law!”
Officials at Night Secrets were dismissive of Finklestein, who sometimes introduces himself as his elvish alter-ego Abarat Aezumin.
“Oh, that dork?” asked local student/fluffer Jerimiah Fraser. “Yeah, he came in here mumbling shit about dungeons or something, and I don’t think he seemed to realize that we sell accessories for a different kind of dungeon here.”
At press time, a dejected Finklestein was seen placing a stack of assorted pornograhpic magazines on the counter as he admitted defeat.
“It’s really absurd” said Finklestein as he donned a blue robe and clutched a staff in one hand and a bag full of polyhedral dice in the other. “I mean, I entered hoping to find the finest in in game modules and magic wands and all I found was erotic literature and magic ‘wands’ of a different kind. There oughta’ be a law!”
Officials at Night Secrets were dismissive of Finklestein, who sometimes introduces himself as his elvish alter-ego Abarat Aezumin.
“Oh, that dork?” asked local student/fluffer Jerimiah Fraser. “Yeah, he came in here mumbling shit about dungeons or something, and I don’t think he seemed to realize that we sell accessories for a different kind of dungeon here.”
At press time, a dejected Finklestein was seen placing a stack of assorted pornograhpic magazines on the counter as he admitted defeat.