Exclusive Interview With President-Elect, Joe Biden
November 19, 2020
On November 7th, many mainstream news outlets declared Joe Biden as the victor of the 2020 Presidential Race. Soon after his victory, Rotten Appal was able to secure an exclusive interview with president-elect Biden.
Thank you so much for agreeing to speak with us, Vice President Biden, and congratulations on achieving president elect! I have a bunch of questions so let’s just knock them out pretty quick. I have to ask, how did it feel when the tides began to turn in Pennsylvania and Georgia?
“Of course I have to say I was overjoyed, but I never doubted the American people. You see, if you told me I was gonna lose, I wouldn’t believe you. You’d be a liar. And listen, let me tell you something about liars: number one you’re lying. You’re a liar. Number two, number three, I used to be in the military and back then we didn’t appreciate liars. We knew a guy we called him Lyin’ Greg because he was always lying and his name was Frank. What we did to Lyin’ Greg, see what used to do to liars is we would cover them in several layers of Northface jackets. And put ’em in the hot sun. I made the Northface jackets. I used to make Northface jackets, I owned a Northface jacket store. As a business owner I paid lots in taxes. Back in those days you had to pay taxes. If you didn’t pay taxes, well, no one respected people that didn’t pay taxes. If you didn’t pay taxes what we used to do is smother you in tar and cover you in feathers. Feathers from a chicken, which we owned. Back then everyone had chickens, and if you didn’t have chickens you weren’t cool. And see I was pretty cool back then. I wore a lot of sunglasses and I rode passenger on a motorcycle once. Everyone rode a motorcycle back then. This was before cars, see. They didn’t know how to put four wheels on a motorized carriage so they started with two. And before that they had one, just one wheel. Motorized unicycles, we called them. And everyone had those, too. You know what they say, if you didn’t own a motorized unicycle, you were a fucking loser. A real fucking loser. Speaking of fucking losers I knew this one fella back then everyone called Dipshit Dave. We all thought Dipshit Dave was a loser because he was known for skinny dipping in pools and taking craps in them. You know I learned the other day you shouldn’t drink water in the pools. You can’t drink it. It’s filled with some chemical called chloroform. See you drink too much of it and you’ll get stupid. You’ll grow stupid and be a fucking loser. Speaking of fucking losers I knew this one fella back then everyone called Dipshit Dave. We all thought Dipshit Dave was a loser because he was known for skinny dipping in pools and taking craps in them. You know I took a crap right before this interview. A big crap. A big caca. A big doo doo. I probably clogged your toilet, you’re gonna have to unclog the toilet. And that’s what America needs right now, a plumber. I will be America’s plumber. Like the founding fathers, who were famously all plumbers. They built this country on pride and freedom. They taught us strength and independence after kicking the British and their tyrannical leader Ho Chi Minh out of Korea and back to Germany. Back in 1348, when America was founded, I was still a teenager and just a senator. I helped the founding fathers build the white house. I was the brick guy. I laid the foundation of the white house, literally. We did it in a day, like the Amish, who back then we thought were Native Americans because of how they dressed like people in the 1700s. I knew all of the founding fathers, my best friend was Ben Franklin. I was there when he invented electricity. He tied a key to his son, then his son to a kite, and we watched lightning shoot down and fry his kid to a crisp. He sadly died from those injuries, but he was okay. Back then we just walked things off, so the son was fine. And that’s why I’m running for senator. I want to help America brush the dust off and walk away. But I don’t want America to walk away, I want Americans to stand for their right. Their right to choose who they want to lead them. And that’s why I’ll be casting my vote for former speaker Joe Biden. I met him once, he is a cool man. He loves America. He loves trains, too. Just like me. We have a lot in common. I met up with him last year after I won the election for President and I realized he was just me talking to a mirror.
Sir, we only have so much time-
Now cool your caboose, Jack. I wasn’t finished. Don’t make me come over there and beat you in a push up contest. You’ll lose. That’s how we decided the presidency back then, push up contests. Actually, the Civil War was fought because Lincoln and Davis tied in their push up contest and split the country because they wouldn’t agree to a tie breaker. The tie breaker was a best-of-four rock paper scissors match. I played a lot of rock paper scissors back in the day, but I only played rock. I didn’t know how to make the other two signs with my hands. When I was a kid, we used actual rocks, papers, and scissors to play, but we banned that because too many kids were stabbing each other with scissors. And that’s what I want to do to America. I want to stab the economy with the scissors of trade. I will go to Wall Street with scissors myself if that’s what it takes. You know I went to the building in Wall Street where everyone is wearing jackets and I got really embarrassed, I thought I should have been wearing a jacket, too. So I went back with the Carhart jackets, you know the ones I used to make to torture liars, and let me tell you I fit right in. Now let me tell you a few more things about liars,
We left after a few more minutes of Biden speaking, and learned after that he continued to talk to himself for another four hours before finally succumbing to being old as shit. Congratulations, newly elected President Kamala Harris!
Thank you so much for agreeing to speak with us, Vice President Biden, and congratulations on achieving president elect! I have a bunch of questions so let’s just knock them out pretty quick. I have to ask, how did it feel when the tides began to turn in Pennsylvania and Georgia?
“Of course I have to say I was overjoyed, but I never doubted the American people. You see, if you told me I was gonna lose, I wouldn’t believe you. You’d be a liar. And listen, let me tell you something about liars: number one you’re lying. You’re a liar. Number two, number three, I used to be in the military and back then we didn’t appreciate liars. We knew a guy we called him Lyin’ Greg because he was always lying and his name was Frank. What we did to Lyin’ Greg, see what used to do to liars is we would cover them in several layers of Northface jackets. And put ’em in the hot sun. I made the Northface jackets. I used to make Northface jackets, I owned a Northface jacket store. As a business owner I paid lots in taxes. Back in those days you had to pay taxes. If you didn’t pay taxes, well, no one respected people that didn’t pay taxes. If you didn’t pay taxes what we used to do is smother you in tar and cover you in feathers. Feathers from a chicken, which we owned. Back then everyone had chickens, and if you didn’t have chickens you weren’t cool. And see I was pretty cool back then. I wore a lot of sunglasses and I rode passenger on a motorcycle once. Everyone rode a motorcycle back then. This was before cars, see. They didn’t know how to put four wheels on a motorized carriage so they started with two. And before that they had one, just one wheel. Motorized unicycles, we called them. And everyone had those, too. You know what they say, if you didn’t own a motorized unicycle, you were a fucking loser. A real fucking loser. Speaking of fucking losers I knew this one fella back then everyone called Dipshit Dave. We all thought Dipshit Dave was a loser because he was known for skinny dipping in pools and taking craps in them. You know I learned the other day you shouldn’t drink water in the pools. You can’t drink it. It’s filled with some chemical called chloroform. See you drink too much of it and you’ll get stupid. You’ll grow stupid and be a fucking loser. Speaking of fucking losers I knew this one fella back then everyone called Dipshit Dave. We all thought Dipshit Dave was a loser because he was known for skinny dipping in pools and taking craps in them. You know I took a crap right before this interview. A big crap. A big caca. A big doo doo. I probably clogged your toilet, you’re gonna have to unclog the toilet. And that’s what America needs right now, a plumber. I will be America’s plumber. Like the founding fathers, who were famously all plumbers. They built this country on pride and freedom. They taught us strength and independence after kicking the British and their tyrannical leader Ho Chi Minh out of Korea and back to Germany. Back in 1348, when America was founded, I was still a teenager and just a senator. I helped the founding fathers build the white house. I was the brick guy. I laid the foundation of the white house, literally. We did it in a day, like the Amish, who back then we thought were Native Americans because of how they dressed like people in the 1700s. I knew all of the founding fathers, my best friend was Ben Franklin. I was there when he invented electricity. He tied a key to his son, then his son to a kite, and we watched lightning shoot down and fry his kid to a crisp. He sadly died from those injuries, but he was okay. Back then we just walked things off, so the son was fine. And that’s why I’m running for senator. I want to help America brush the dust off and walk away. But I don’t want America to walk away, I want Americans to stand for their right. Their right to choose who they want to lead them. And that’s why I’ll be casting my vote for former speaker Joe Biden. I met him once, he is a cool man. He loves America. He loves trains, too. Just like me. We have a lot in common. I met up with him last year after I won the election for President and I realized he was just me talking to a mirror.
Sir, we only have so much time-
Now cool your caboose, Jack. I wasn’t finished. Don’t make me come over there and beat you in a push up contest. You’ll lose. That’s how we decided the presidency back then, push up contests. Actually, the Civil War was fought because Lincoln and Davis tied in their push up contest and split the country because they wouldn’t agree to a tie breaker. The tie breaker was a best-of-four rock paper scissors match. I played a lot of rock paper scissors back in the day, but I only played rock. I didn’t know how to make the other two signs with my hands. When I was a kid, we used actual rocks, papers, and scissors to play, but we banned that because too many kids were stabbing each other with scissors. And that’s what I want to do to America. I want to stab the economy with the scissors of trade. I will go to Wall Street with scissors myself if that’s what it takes. You know I went to the building in Wall Street where everyone is wearing jackets and I got really embarrassed, I thought I should have been wearing a jacket, too. So I went back with the Carhart jackets, you know the ones I used to make to torture liars, and let me tell you I fit right in. Now let me tell you a few more things about liars,
We left after a few more minutes of Biden speaking, and learned after that he continued to talk to himself for another four hours before finally succumbing to being old as shit. Congratulations, newly elected President Kamala Harris!