Massive Donut Fundraiser Clash Between Desperate Research Professors and Sorority Girls
March XXth, 2025
SANFORD MALL - Pretty weather in Boone means tabling on Sanford Mall, and sororities selling Krispy Kreme donuts are a regular staple. Always chasing their community service quota, App State's least entrepreneurial women can frequently be seen reselling donuts found in literally every grocery store for dollars on the dime. The Rotten Appal Field Team reports that all proceeds probably go to animal shelters, but it might be cancer research and the cute dogs could be a red herring. Whatever the cause, it must be profitable somehow, or they wouldn't still be doing it.
But recent developments suggest that it may not be profitable anymore. With federal grants in constant DOGE-induced turmoil, many desperate App State professors have also turned to secondhand pastry peddling.
“It’s all we have left,” reports Dr. Judy Blanche, associate professor with the College of Health Sciences. “I have three students with theses due, two conferences booked, and $60 left from NIH. If any of my students actually remember to submit their timesheets, it's over. Screw the sororities and screw the puppy dogs.”
The anxieties expressed by Dr. Blanche culminated Wednesday, when after an hour of shouting over each other, representatives of professor and sorority donut tents resorted to physical violence. Tables were flipped, shirts were grabbed, and multiple dollars worth of Krispy Kreme donuts were spoiled. The incident resulted in an estimated $400 profit loss for each party involved. Witnesses described the professors’ behavior as tangibly desperate, “like a bunch of raccoons cornered in the garage.” It is unclear which of the donut competitors will back down first, or if more conflict is likely to follow.
But recent developments suggest that it may not be profitable anymore. With federal grants in constant DOGE-induced turmoil, many desperate App State professors have also turned to secondhand pastry peddling.
“It’s all we have left,” reports Dr. Judy Blanche, associate professor with the College of Health Sciences. “I have three students with theses due, two conferences booked, and $60 left from NIH. If any of my students actually remember to submit their timesheets, it's over. Screw the sororities and screw the puppy dogs.”
The anxieties expressed by Dr. Blanche culminated Wednesday, when after an hour of shouting over each other, representatives of professor and sorority donut tents resorted to physical violence. Tables were flipped, shirts were grabbed, and multiple dollars worth of Krispy Kreme donuts were spoiled. The incident resulted in an estimated $400 profit loss for each party involved. Witnesses described the professors’ behavior as tangibly desperate, “like a bunch of raccoons cornered in the garage.” It is unclear which of the donut competitors will back down first, or if more conflict is likely to follow.