New Earth Fare Wagyu Only Costs Highly Invasive Kidney Donation (Plus Tax)
September 24th, 2025
EARTH FARE - Everyone’s heard the buzz about A5 Wagyu steak. Fatty marbling, tender texture, cows raised with love and a balanced diet instead of on a CAFO eating corn. Wagyu is a real luxury item, and up until recently there were no certified resellers in Boone. Worry not! Earth Fare recently signed a deal with a Japanese farm to bring those juicy cuts to their fourteen locations, including Boone.
Want to get your hands on one? Make sure you can afford it. Earth Fare knows what they're selling, however, and tariffs aren’t helping. To cover costs for partnership, importation, overland transportation, and refrigeration, Earth Fare customers can expect to pay for their steak with a donation of their bodily components. As the size of the steak goes up, so does the donation size.
For smaller cuts, Earthfare offers bone marrow transplants and long-term plasma donations. As the size increases, breaking even starts to require liver transplants, lung lobes, and in some cases, kidney donations. To keep costs down, these highly invasive procedures are done with minimal anesthesia and with locally-sourced freelance “doctors.” Expect to pay sales tax too.
But is it worth it? The Rotten Appal Food and Drink Department’s very own Alabaster Crumb took one for the team and donated a kidney so that everyone in our three-person department had at least one-and-a-half bites. Alabaster was hospitalized shortly after the operation, and the doctors say that it’s not looking good. We overheard the doctors calling the cocktail of drugs they’re giving him “a Hail Mary.” Apparently, the Earth Fare “surgeons” forgot some stuff inside of him which sent him into septic shock.
That being said, the steak is absolutely worth the cost. You won’t find a more tender, juicy, and rich cut of meat anywhere in Boone!
Want to get your hands on one? Make sure you can afford it. Earth Fare knows what they're selling, however, and tariffs aren’t helping. To cover costs for partnership, importation, overland transportation, and refrigeration, Earth Fare customers can expect to pay for their steak with a donation of their bodily components. As the size of the steak goes up, so does the donation size.
For smaller cuts, Earthfare offers bone marrow transplants and long-term plasma donations. As the size increases, breaking even starts to require liver transplants, lung lobes, and in some cases, kidney donations. To keep costs down, these highly invasive procedures are done with minimal anesthesia and with locally-sourced freelance “doctors.” Expect to pay sales tax too.
But is it worth it? The Rotten Appal Food and Drink Department’s very own Alabaster Crumb took one for the team and donated a kidney so that everyone in our three-person department had at least one-and-a-half bites. Alabaster was hospitalized shortly after the operation, and the doctors say that it’s not looking good. We overheard the doctors calling the cocktail of drugs they’re giving him “a Hail Mary.” Apparently, the Earth Fare “surgeons” forgot some stuff inside of him which sent him into septic shock.
That being said, the steak is absolutely worth the cost. You won’t find a more tender, juicy, and rich cut of meat anywhere in Boone!