Op-Ed: I Will Perform Sexual Favors for the New Paninis from Central
February 20th, 2021
BOONE, N.C. - I have lived on campus for almost three years now, so if there’s anyone who knows what’s hot and what’s not when it comes to on-campus dining, it’s me. I lived through the days of the old Central sandwich station - the one that used to be where the hallowed panini place now stands. I can’t remember what it was called; they let me down so many times I ceased to acknowledge they were even an option for food. Mayo was applied to bread like it was sunscreen, meat and veggies were stacked on polar opposites ends of the sandwich, cheese was skimped like it meant NOTHING, and the dryness... was a sensation that no woman should ever have to experience, yet are all too familiar with.
You can imagine how interested I was to hear they had revamped it this semester. Finally, I could get myself a crisp sando without having to hope to God that Cascades hasn’t run out of ciabatta rolls (Cascades, if you’re reading, please just order more ciabatta than the other breads, it’s what the people want, simple supply and demand.)
They have not disappointed.
First of all, paninis are the superior sandwich. Why would I not want my sandos a little toasty? It perfectly blends together all the flavors and gives you that satisfying crunch as you bite into the lithe curve of the bun, an umami crème brûlée.
To give our readers an idea of what other students are saying, I posted up by the chip stand directly next to the panini station. Here are some of the highlights:
“The reuben, it’s ah, how do you say it...sultry. How can you look at those folds of pastrami and not get a little hot, you feel me?” chuckled sophomore Guido Gavazzi, Brooklyn native and amateur sandwich connoisseur. When asked to describe his panini experience in one word, he laughs heartily, “Ba-da-bing! What else can I say?”
Our next interviewee also had only pleasantries to add, “The turkey melt...fuck, where do I begin?” said junior Kimberly Hilton, “He just, like gets me? I don’t know, I feel sooo stupid saying it out loud, but that layer of garlic butter on the bottom…,” at this moment she leaned close to whisper, “...Orgasmic.”
I attempted to ask a young man about the quality of the pizza panini he was purchasing, but he only gave me a glare before stuffing the entire thing into his mouth and shouting, “Wouldn’t you like to know!?” Licking the inside of the styrofoam container, he slunk away, eyeing me with suspicion.
I implore you to check it out for yourself. You never know just how these sandwiches may catch your fancy or even tempt you to try certain things you never have before. I think to be more accurate in terms of naming this article, I would let the new paninis from Central perform sexual favors on me. And that’s on fresh ciabatta rolls.
You can imagine how interested I was to hear they had revamped it this semester. Finally, I could get myself a crisp sando without having to hope to God that Cascades hasn’t run out of ciabatta rolls (Cascades, if you’re reading, please just order more ciabatta than the other breads, it’s what the people want, simple supply and demand.)
They have not disappointed.
First of all, paninis are the superior sandwich. Why would I not want my sandos a little toasty? It perfectly blends together all the flavors and gives you that satisfying crunch as you bite into the lithe curve of the bun, an umami crème brûlée.
To give our readers an idea of what other students are saying, I posted up by the chip stand directly next to the panini station. Here are some of the highlights:
“The reuben, it’s ah, how do you say it...sultry. How can you look at those folds of pastrami and not get a little hot, you feel me?” chuckled sophomore Guido Gavazzi, Brooklyn native and amateur sandwich connoisseur. When asked to describe his panini experience in one word, he laughs heartily, “Ba-da-bing! What else can I say?”
Our next interviewee also had only pleasantries to add, “The turkey melt...fuck, where do I begin?” said junior Kimberly Hilton, “He just, like gets me? I don’t know, I feel sooo stupid saying it out loud, but that layer of garlic butter on the bottom…,” at this moment she leaned close to whisper, “...Orgasmic.”
I attempted to ask a young man about the quality of the pizza panini he was purchasing, but he only gave me a glare before stuffing the entire thing into his mouth and shouting, “Wouldn’t you like to know!?” Licking the inside of the styrofoam container, he slunk away, eyeing me with suspicion.
I implore you to check it out for yourself. You never know just how these sandwiches may catch your fancy or even tempt you to try certain things you never have before. I think to be more accurate in terms of naming this article, I would let the new paninis from Central perform sexual favors on me. And that’s on fresh ciabatta rolls.