Op-Ed: Pooping on Sanford Mall is My Right

November 22nd, 2022

BOONE, NC - Over the last few days, I’ve been taking massive, muculent mudpies all over Sanford Mall. I’m doing this because it’s my right as an earthly citizen to shit wherever I please. Sure, we have “laws” and “morals,” “should we” and “shouldn’t we’s,” but ultimately, the rules that we can’t make poopy wherever we want are all man-made.

The thought crowned in my head when I laid on one of the benches overlooking the grass spread - as I watched students slackline, work on their homework, and bait women with their leashless dogs, I felt it was missing something. A certain je ne sais quoi, except, I could define it. It was missing powerful piles of my piping hot poo poo. Certainly, I concluded, this is not only a perfect addition to a public place but also a fantastic and productive use of my time. Soon, everyone would see my vision.

Unfortunately, the reaction was not as I hoped. Students showed up with signs to protest my laying of stool up and down the park. Even now, I don’t really understand why. Why doesn’t anyone enjoy the sight and stench of my mammoth manure? Why are people so against literal feces in a public space?

Well, sorry to break it to you liberals, but my poop is here to stay. Not only is my freedom mandated by God, but I think this is a free speech thing, too, maybe. Not really sure because my lawyer won’t return my emails, but I’m pretty sure you guys aren’t supposed to get mad at me taking number twos out in the yard. Before I wrap things up, I want to thank Sheri Everts personally for allowing my scheduled poops on Sanford. She is letting me do this. She is letting me show my poop to everyone. Now leave me alone and look at my crap.