OPINION: Second On-Campus 5G Death Was Necessary
Amend Date
BOONE - Earlier this morning, Cederick James (20) returned to the arms of the lord as the mysterious energy radiating from the 5G tower adjacent to I.G. Greer microwaved his capillaries from the inside out, killing him almost instantly. This grisly affair continues the pattern we've seen from these onyx towers. Earlier this month one Edward Sullivan passed on as his brain hemispheres were divided and subsequently fried. The only question remaining is this, was it worth it?
While there is no doubt that there is tragedy in these deaths, are we to all be forced back to the stone age over two lives lost? In order for the Apollo shuttle to lift off, the 12 men whose job it was to light the engines before take off perished as the American marvel took flight. Are we to believe that these towers are any different, are we to let our enemies win? Like our brave and undeniably forthright former President Nixon, I say no.
To get to the bottom of the cause, we interviewed Raymond Keza who attempted to upload his 5 minute long oral presentation to AsULearn from an IPhone 6. This caused the tower to lash out in fear and anger, immediately obliterating Cedrick James in the process. Raymond seemed adamant that he was not to blame, and that this “could have happened to anybody”. When asked if he felt responsible he stood up out of his chair, exclaiming “Why didn't they move that guy's body until two hours after he went down? Investigate that!” One must wonder if he's right, and if the trampled state of the body over the course of that two hour period says more about the complacency of school safety services than the aggression of our beloved internet service.
Not all Cellular Data Based Attacks (CDBAs) end in death, earlier this year Samantha Lockheart had the entirety of the Sri Lankan Wikipedia page beamed directly into her head. Her only side effects? A scathing opinion on the United National Party, a craving for a steaming plate of Kiribath, and minor color blindness in her right eye.
There are questions being raised about whether the 5G tower chooses her victims. As many of you may know, Edward Sullivan was no angel. At the time of his demise, he had 8 months left of disciplinary probation, as well as a hold on his account due to an unpaid parking ticket. Would we really feel safer with this tower gone than we would have letting people like him walk amongst us? To try and gather more information we asked three students if they knew Mr. Sullivan. They all said no. Telling.
While there is no doubt that there is tragedy in these deaths, are we to all be forced back to the stone age over two lives lost? In order for the Apollo shuttle to lift off, the 12 men whose job it was to light the engines before take off perished as the American marvel took flight. Are we to believe that these towers are any different, are we to let our enemies win? Like our brave and undeniably forthright former President Nixon, I say no.
To get to the bottom of the cause, we interviewed Raymond Keza who attempted to upload his 5 minute long oral presentation to AsULearn from an IPhone 6. This caused the tower to lash out in fear and anger, immediately obliterating Cedrick James in the process. Raymond seemed adamant that he was not to blame, and that this “could have happened to anybody”. When asked if he felt responsible he stood up out of his chair, exclaiming “Why didn't they move that guy's body until two hours after he went down? Investigate that!” One must wonder if he's right, and if the trampled state of the body over the course of that two hour period says more about the complacency of school safety services than the aggression of our beloved internet service.
Not all Cellular Data Based Attacks (CDBAs) end in death, earlier this year Samantha Lockheart had the entirety of the Sri Lankan Wikipedia page beamed directly into her head. Her only side effects? A scathing opinion on the United National Party, a craving for a steaming plate of Kiribath, and minor color blindness in her right eye.
There are questions being raised about whether the 5G tower chooses her victims. As many of you may know, Edward Sullivan was no angel. At the time of his demise, he had 8 months left of disciplinary probation, as well as a hold on his account due to an unpaid parking ticket. Would we really feel safer with this tower gone than we would have letting people like him walk amongst us? To try and gather more information we asked three students if they knew Mr. Sullivan. They all said no. Telling.