OPINION: Some Deaths From The 5G Towers Are Worth It For Better Internet
September 12th, 2025
APP STATE - Earlier this morning, Cederick James (20) returned to the arms of the lord as the mysterious energy radiating from the 5G tower adjacent to I.G. Greer microwaved his capillaries from the inside out, killing him almost instantly. This grisly affair continues the pattern we've seen from these onyx towers. Earlier this month, one Edward Sullivan passed on as his brain hemispheres were divided and subsequently fried. The only question remaining; was it worth it?
While there is no doubt that there is tragedy in these deaths, are we to all be forced back to the Stone Age over two lives lost? 12 brave engineers were killed as the Apollo Shuttle took flight. Are we to believe that these towers are any different? Are we to let our enemies win? Like our brave and undeniably forthright former President Nixon, I say no.
To get to the bottom of the cause, we interviewed Raymond Keza, who attempted to upload his 5-minute-long oral presentation to AsULearn from an iPhone 6. This caused the tower to lash out in fear and anger, immediately obliterating Cedrick James in the process. Raymond seemed adamant that he was not to blame, and that this “could have happened to anybody”. When asked if he felt responsible he stood up out of his chair, exclaiming, “Why didn't they move that guy's body until two hours after he went down? Investigate that!” One must wonder if he's right, and maybe the trampled state of the body over the course of those two hours says more about the complacency of school safety services than the aggression of our beloved internet service.
Not all Cellular Data-Based Attacks (CDBAs) end in death; earlier this year, Samantha Lockheart had the entirety of the Sri Lankan Wikipedia page beamed directly into her head. Her only side effects? A scathing opinion on the United National Party, a craving for a steaming plate of Kiribath, and minor color blindness in her right eye.
Questions are being raised about whether the 5G tower chooses its victims. As many of you may know, Cedrick James was no angel. At the time of his demise, he had 8 months left of disciplinary probation, as well as a hold on his account due to an unpaid parking ticket. Would we really feel safer with this tower gone than letting people like him walk amongst us? Seeking more information, we asked three students if they knew Mr. James, and they all said no. Telling. Our thoughts and prayers are with Cedrick’s family.
While there is no doubt that there is tragedy in these deaths, are we to all be forced back to the Stone Age over two lives lost? 12 brave engineers were killed as the Apollo Shuttle took flight. Are we to believe that these towers are any different? Are we to let our enemies win? Like our brave and undeniably forthright former President Nixon, I say no.
To get to the bottom of the cause, we interviewed Raymond Keza, who attempted to upload his 5-minute-long oral presentation to AsULearn from an iPhone 6. This caused the tower to lash out in fear and anger, immediately obliterating Cedrick James in the process. Raymond seemed adamant that he was not to blame, and that this “could have happened to anybody”. When asked if he felt responsible he stood up out of his chair, exclaiming, “Why didn't they move that guy's body until two hours after he went down? Investigate that!” One must wonder if he's right, and maybe the trampled state of the body over the course of those two hours says more about the complacency of school safety services than the aggression of our beloved internet service.
Not all Cellular Data-Based Attacks (CDBAs) end in death; earlier this year, Samantha Lockheart had the entirety of the Sri Lankan Wikipedia page beamed directly into her head. Her only side effects? A scathing opinion on the United National Party, a craving for a steaming plate of Kiribath, and minor color blindness in her right eye.
Questions are being raised about whether the 5G tower chooses its victims. As many of you may know, Cedrick James was no angel. At the time of his demise, he had 8 months left of disciplinary probation, as well as a hold on his account due to an unpaid parking ticket. Would we really feel safer with this tower gone than letting people like him walk amongst us? Seeking more information, we asked three students if they knew Mr. James, and they all said no. Telling. Our thoughts and prayers are with Cedrick’s family.
