App State E-Sports Team Caught Using Performance-Enhancing Girlfriends
September 8th, 2025
HOWARD STATION - A months-long NCAA investigation into App State’s E-sports team has ended with a damning exposé of underhanded, illicit tactics and extreme measures to win each match. The most serious charge leveled against the App State Sitting Mountaineers is the usage of performance-enhancing girlfriends (PEGs), which if found true could result in a multi-year ban.
“We see this a lot in the league nowadays. The sad reality is, gamers always play better when there’s an anniversary they’re forgetting or a lunch date they’re pushing to 3 pm,” said one of the lead investigators. “We think a lot of these guys have been getting PEGing for a long time. We’re just glad we caught on before the leaves started changing; we can’t imagine the fall photoshoots these guys would agree to and then forget about to that competitive edge.”
The usage of PEGs has been taboo since the dawn of competitive gaming, and the playbook has seldom changed. As the semester started, team members came to campus with mullets and feminist literature, and a walk-on prospect was cut from the practice squad in August when his system tested positive for matcha. The NCAA released a statement following the year-long suspension: “We know it’s a disappointment to miss a collegiate season of World of Warcraft, Valorant, and Peggle, but these rules are in place for a reason."
One Sitting Mountaineer protested the investigation, likening the controversy to that of Barry Bonds. "We're dedicated, just like Bonds. The most committed athletes will do whatever it takes to win – even showering. We were still putting up clips before we started PEGing. Plus, everyone is doing it, so we're just leveling the playing field. The real cheaters are programs like JMU and Georgia Southern, they're using PEFs (performance-enhancing femboys)."
“We see this a lot in the league nowadays. The sad reality is, gamers always play better when there’s an anniversary they’re forgetting or a lunch date they’re pushing to 3 pm,” said one of the lead investigators. “We think a lot of these guys have been getting PEGing for a long time. We’re just glad we caught on before the leaves started changing; we can’t imagine the fall photoshoots these guys would agree to and then forget about to that competitive edge.”
The usage of PEGs has been taboo since the dawn of competitive gaming, and the playbook has seldom changed. As the semester started, team members came to campus with mullets and feminist literature, and a walk-on prospect was cut from the practice squad in August when his system tested positive for matcha. The NCAA released a statement following the year-long suspension: “We know it’s a disappointment to miss a collegiate season of World of Warcraft, Valorant, and Peggle, but these rules are in place for a reason."
One Sitting Mountaineer protested the investigation, likening the controversy to that of Barry Bonds. "We're dedicated, just like Bonds. The most committed athletes will do whatever it takes to win – even showering. We were still putting up clips before we started PEGing. Plus, everyone is doing it, so we're just leveling the playing field. The real cheaters are programs like JMU and Georgia Southern, they're using PEFs (performance-enhancing femboys)."