Presenting the DIY IUD™
September 11th, 2023
BOONE, NC - Sex. Sex. Sex! We love sex here at App State, with our dorms heralded as steamy cesspools of syphilis. Here, we can only hope to catch a hint of herpes or a taste of Trichomoniasis. STDs are no big deal with free testing on campus and catching Chlamydia becomes a contest, a badge of honor hidden down under. With the start of the new school year and the influx of nervous, sweaty little freshmen looking to get laid, it's important for App State to protect their delusions from the more horrific consequences of sex.
Unfortunately, sex has some… less glamorous side effects. Sex is the leading cause of the most terrifying epidemic plaguing women since the beginning of time: Pregnancy. Sex leads to children, which leads to drop outs, finally leading to App losing even more of its precious tuition funds.
In an effort to contain salacious swimmers, App State established free contraceptives (your pursuit of happiness is built into tuition!) for all students. Free condoms rain down on Sanford Mall, an unfortunate few sizzling at the steps of the First Baptist Church. What App didn’t expect was the skewed amount of men living in Boone who are simply too big for condoms. So many, in fact, that some women speculate size being part of the admission process. App only wants the best, after all! With the Big Dick Epidemic ravaging campus and the restriction of abortion nationwide, campus organizations have to find creative methods to encourage reckless sex without the risk of pregnancy. After a few hard months at work, headed by Wellness and Prevention, the solution has arrived.
App State is proud to present the DIY IUD™, an affordable form of post-Roe birth control for broke college students looking to hop on the train to pound town. Gone are the wonton days of safe, tested, over the counter contraceptives, and good riddance! App State is happy to provide unsupervised, jerry-rigged care to its deserving students. Using the same components for App’s patented at-home hysterectomy (NOT to be confused with the tragic events of the Natural Neuter™ vasectomy kit), all students need is aluminum foil and a wire coat hanger. The instructions for construction are located on the Wellness and Prevention website for any eager beavers willing to undergo what a very small percentage (64%) of doctors call mutilation – all for your boyfriend’s “above average” dick. Now, you too can SERV-IX™ with your brand new, homemade intrauterine device.
Officials here at App state would also like to announce that App is not responsible for any injuries sustained while inserting the DIY IUD™.
Unfortunately, sex has some… less glamorous side effects. Sex is the leading cause of the most terrifying epidemic plaguing women since the beginning of time: Pregnancy. Sex leads to children, which leads to drop outs, finally leading to App losing even more of its precious tuition funds.
In an effort to contain salacious swimmers, App State established free contraceptives (your pursuit of happiness is built into tuition!) for all students. Free condoms rain down on Sanford Mall, an unfortunate few sizzling at the steps of the First Baptist Church. What App didn’t expect was the skewed amount of men living in Boone who are simply too big for condoms. So many, in fact, that some women speculate size being part of the admission process. App only wants the best, after all! With the Big Dick Epidemic ravaging campus and the restriction of abortion nationwide, campus organizations have to find creative methods to encourage reckless sex without the risk of pregnancy. After a few hard months at work, headed by Wellness and Prevention, the solution has arrived.
App State is proud to present the DIY IUD™, an affordable form of post-Roe birth control for broke college students looking to hop on the train to pound town. Gone are the wonton days of safe, tested, over the counter contraceptives, and good riddance! App State is happy to provide unsupervised, jerry-rigged care to its deserving students. Using the same components for App’s patented at-home hysterectomy (NOT to be confused with the tragic events of the Natural Neuter™ vasectomy kit), all students need is aluminum foil and a wire coat hanger. The instructions for construction are located on the Wellness and Prevention website for any eager beavers willing to undergo what a very small percentage (64%) of doctors call mutilation – all for your boyfriend’s “above average” dick. Now, you too can SERV-IX™ with your brand new, homemade intrauterine device.
Officials here at App state would also like to announce that App is not responsible for any injuries sustained while inserting the DIY IUD™.