The Rotten Appal Tries: Democracy!
September 7th, 2026
BOONE - Inspired by election season, our team here at the Rotten Appal has been swept up by the craze of democracy. Creating our own “microdemocracy” has resulted in a lot of positive change here in the Writers Room! We’ve put out gerrymandered articles, headlines that only won the electoral college, and even elected our first closeted socialist president (a huge change from our long line of openly socialist presidents that were handpicked by the Politburo).
Unfortunately, there have also been a few changes that have disrupted our fledgling republic:
Time will tell if our little democratic experiment works out, but we have our heads held high! After all, what's the worst that could happen?
* They are currently recovering at Lily's under strict orders from Student Health Services.
Unfortunately, there have also been a few changes that have disrupted our fledgling republic:
- Representatives from organizations, such as the Appalachian Independent Political Affairs Club, have approached us about taking dining dollars or campus cash to publish articles bashing their political opponents. One of them offered everyone a smoothie for Cascades in exchange for a hit piece on Yosef after he refused to speak out on anything (as if mascots talk).
- One of our estranged writers was seen getting thrown out of an AppalCart onto Rivers Street (ouch!) after it surfaced that they advocated for the university to continue construction on Wey Hall back in 2023 (unc!).*
- Some of our writers have been caught placing bets on Kalshi about which stories will be posted to Instagram over two months before their completion. (While this is still under investigation, I can tell all of our valued readers that this comes after a leak from a “Groupme” thread where a Rotten Appal Board member leaked publishing secrets to non-members.)
- One of our writers got invited into Cannon Hall for some kratom. They’ve been M.I.A. since. Unrelated, but apparently there's a bag with a red pool under it at Club Hub waiting for us. Hopefully it's some strawberries for our club potluck next week!
- All of the food at Central is contaminated. We don’t think this is linked to our elections, but this weird dude who will only identify himself as “Bobby” keeps showing up to our meetings late after saying that he had to drop off his “fresh catch of the day” at Central. If anyone knows [email protected] please tell him to wash his hands before showing up to meetings.
- One of our writers got picked up by an unmarked safe ride van outside of the Student Union last Tuesday. We haven’t heard from them since.
- Our president got everyone new Rotten Appal shirts, but he failed to ask about our shirt sizes. I think mine gives me a flattering figure but some of the other writers have been rocking ill-fitting shirts around campus recently.
Time will tell if our little democratic experiment works out, but we have our heads held high! After all, what's the worst that could happen?
* They are currently recovering at Lily's under strict orders from Student Health Services.
