Rise of the Gelatinous Cubion at App State Dining
April 13th, 2023
BOONE, NC - We’re all familiar with the long, complicated history between mankind and cubekind. Once the habitants of dungeons, gelatinous cubes would happily dissolve amateur knights and the stray rat that wandered into their path. With the recent demand for dungeons exploring other kinds of fantasy, cubes have found themselves above ground and looking for work. App State, desperate to prove themselves a champion of diversity, saw the cubes’ situation and extended a helping hand.
In 2013, Appalachian State took a leap of faith in bridging the gap between human and goopy workers by hiring the first gelatinous cube as a dishwasher in Campus Dining. Alumni and staff fondly remember the day of celebration, including the plates of green jello with suspended plastic babies, a symbol of the unity between human and monsterkind.
For the upcoming ten-year Gloopiversary, students are looking forward to the construction of a giant jello cake. However, others aren’t so happy about the symbolic gesture of appreciation, as gelatinous cubes in universities across the country are beginning to protest exploitative work practices that threaten Gloop rights.
Joel Lee Green and Marsha Mellawin, the two cubes working in Central, reveal the true treatment of cubes through cube translator Jenny .
“They think because I’m not moving, I don’t deserve a break,” Jenny translates, intently watching Joel’s jiggles, “And digesting food scraps is my job, not a payment. We deserve real pay, not another consolation jello cake.”
“Plus,” Marsha interjects, “No one talks about the language barrier and the sexual harassment. I get blamed for dissolved hands and… other parts… but is it my fault they can’t keep it in their pants?”
The gelatinous cubes of America have united to create the NGCU, the National Gelatinous Cube Union, affectionately nicknamed the Cubion. Members have a wide array of issues to tackle and plan to go on strike in April if their demands are not met.
“We’re the only thing keeping Dining running smoothly,” Joel says, “So keep us happy, or we’ll have to resort to violence.”
With a chilling reminder of the past conflict in mind, App State Dining plans to move forward with new harassment training to cut down on maiming costs, but salary is still in negotiation. This Friday, join us for the Gloopiversary at Central and hope that we all make it out alive.
In 2013, Appalachian State took a leap of faith in bridging the gap between human and goopy workers by hiring the first gelatinous cube as a dishwasher in Campus Dining. Alumni and staff fondly remember the day of celebration, including the plates of green jello with suspended plastic babies, a symbol of the unity between human and monsterkind.
For the upcoming ten-year Gloopiversary, students are looking forward to the construction of a giant jello cake. However, others aren’t so happy about the symbolic gesture of appreciation, as gelatinous cubes in universities across the country are beginning to protest exploitative work practices that threaten Gloop rights.
Joel Lee Green and Marsha Mellawin, the two cubes working in Central, reveal the true treatment of cubes through cube translator Jenny .
“They think because I’m not moving, I don’t deserve a break,” Jenny translates, intently watching Joel’s jiggles, “And digesting food scraps is my job, not a payment. We deserve real pay, not another consolation jello cake.”
“Plus,” Marsha interjects, “No one talks about the language barrier and the sexual harassment. I get blamed for dissolved hands and… other parts… but is it my fault they can’t keep it in their pants?”
The gelatinous cubes of America have united to create the NGCU, the National Gelatinous Cube Union, affectionately nicknamed the Cubion. Members have a wide array of issues to tackle and plan to go on strike in April if their demands are not met.
“We’re the only thing keeping Dining running smoothly,” Joel says, “So keep us happy, or we’ll have to resort to violence.”
With a chilling reminder of the past conflict in mind, App State Dining plans to move forward with new harassment training to cut down on maiming costs, but salary is still in negotiation. This Friday, join us for the Gloopiversary at Central and hope that we all make it out alive.