Secure WiFi Grants Teleportation, Immortality; Still Can't Handle Streaming Services
September 30th, 2025
BOONE - In a shocking revelation, new studies confirm that installing the ASU Secure Wi-Fi app comes with “minor side effects,” including waterproofing your phone and granting it the ability to teleport into your hand whenever summoned.
To test the strength of its encryption, university officials allegedly hired a hacker fresh off a failed Area 51 raid. After several hours, the hacker admitted defeat when their laptop received an automated message from the app itself: “Try harder next time, bitch.”
The app’s most recent update has raised further questions. Reportedly, students who download it not only achieve functional immortality but also gain phones capable of hovering at shoulder height and firing precision laser beams. “We recommend giving plenty of distance to anyone with a levitating phone,” warned campus security, “as they are both undying and heavily armed.”
When interviewed, one student reflected: “Even though I’m immortal, I still can’t watch Southpark in the dining hall.”
To test the strength of its encryption, university officials allegedly hired a hacker fresh off a failed Area 51 raid. After several hours, the hacker admitted defeat when their laptop received an automated message from the app itself: “Try harder next time, bitch.”
The app’s most recent update has raised further questions. Reportedly, students who download it not only achieve functional immortality but also gain phones capable of hovering at shoulder height and firing precision laser beams. “We recommend giving plenty of distance to anyone with a levitating phone,” warned campus security, “as they are both undying and heavily armed.”
When interviewed, one student reflected: “Even though I’m immortal, I still can’t watch Southpark in the dining hall.”