Tandem Articles
#1 - Catching Strays: Trump Accuses App State Students Of Eating Ducks During Debate
September 13th, 2024
PHILADELPHIA - In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump levied claims against App State students for eating the ducks in the school’s duck pond.
"They're eating the ducks, the people that came in, they're eating the ducks," said Trump in response to a question about immigration. He alleged to have witnessed the scene while on his trip through North Carolina, a key swing state in the upcoming election. "I was at a little place called the Tribbit Dining Hall, and folks, they're eating 'em straight out of the duck pond, and this is what's happening in our country, you see it, I see it, and it's a shame."
ABC News Moderator David Muir fact-checked this claim, stating only one duck had disappeared from the pond without a body being recovered. “Wrong, they swing them around and around by the necks and hit them against the trees,” the former president said in response during the debate. When App State made its official statement denying the incident, Mr. Trump had this to say on Truth Social:
“We all saw it. Terrible things happening on that pond and the ducks were doing more of the dirty than normal because they know they don’t have much time left. I hear they have the Clam. Take America Back!”
The Rotten Appal Field Team immediately took to investigating these claims that have since shook App State students and faculty.
“I’m just shocked,” lamented Amelia Johnson, a self-identified duck pond conservationist and senior biology student. “I spend time with our beautiful ducks nearly every day and have never once desired their flesh in any capacity,” said Johnson, clearly overcome with emotions.
“Y’know, lots of cultures treat duck as a delicacy,” said Owen Perriera, a Philosophy major. Perriera made sure we also included his minor, Medieval Studies. “It is a meal for dukes, not for journeymen, so I never thought anything of it. But it should be no surprise that people make such virile conquests even when food is abundant in our great meal hall. Such is the way of the western man; he seldom knows his station.”
Our field team’s next stop was Central Dining Hall, where Rotten Appal journalists continued investigating another possible source of the former President’s claim. What we uncovered was shocking.
“All the foods served at App State's dining halls is sourced from trustworthy and vetted wholesale partners,” said a spokesperson at the office.
On the contrary, an anonymous App State chef who spoke with us had this to say: “You thought these tenders are ALL chicken?”
"They're eating the ducks, the people that came in, they're eating the ducks," said Trump in response to a question about immigration. He alleged to have witnessed the scene while on his trip through North Carolina, a key swing state in the upcoming election. "I was at a little place called the Tribbit Dining Hall, and folks, they're eating 'em straight out of the duck pond, and this is what's happening in our country, you see it, I see it, and it's a shame."
ABC News Moderator David Muir fact-checked this claim, stating only one duck had disappeared from the pond without a body being recovered. “Wrong, they swing them around and around by the necks and hit them against the trees,” the former president said in response during the debate. When App State made its official statement denying the incident, Mr. Trump had this to say on Truth Social:
“We all saw it. Terrible things happening on that pond and the ducks were doing more of the dirty than normal because they know they don’t have much time left. I hear they have the Clam. Take America Back!”
The Rotten Appal Field Team immediately took to investigating these claims that have since shook App State students and faculty.
“I’m just shocked,” lamented Amelia Johnson, a self-identified duck pond conservationist and senior biology student. “I spend time with our beautiful ducks nearly every day and have never once desired their flesh in any capacity,” said Johnson, clearly overcome with emotions.
“Y’know, lots of cultures treat duck as a delicacy,” said Owen Perriera, a Philosophy major. Perriera made sure we also included his minor, Medieval Studies. “It is a meal for dukes, not for journeymen, so I never thought anything of it. But it should be no surprise that people make such virile conquests even when food is abundant in our great meal hall. Such is the way of the western man; he seldom knows his station.”
Our field team’s next stop was Central Dining Hall, where Rotten Appal journalists continued investigating another possible source of the former President’s claim. What we uncovered was shocking.
“All the foods served at App State's dining halls is sourced from trustworthy and vetted wholesale partners,” said a spokesperson at the office.
On the contrary, an anonymous App State chef who spoke with us had this to say: “You thought these tenders are ALL chicken?”
#2 - Top Five Tastiest Pets
September 13th, 2024
"Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.” - Anthony Bourdain
BOONE - Our very own Rotten Appal Culinary Expert's list of the top five tastiest pets.
Number 5 - Dachshund
Known culinarily as the “Wiener Dog”, the dachshund has a delightfully meaty taste and fantastic marbling. While tough if cooked hot and fast, they are coincidentally best enjoyed in sausage form. With my Nona’s Secret Spice Blend, a meat grinder, and some elbow grease, this meal could be yours for only as much courage as it takes to hop a fence and get away clean
Known culinarily as the “Wiener Dog”, the dachshund has a delightfully meaty taste and fantastic marbling. While tough if cooked hot and fast, they are coincidentally best enjoyed in sausage form. With my Nona’s Secret Spice Blend, a meat grinder, and some elbow grease, this meal could be yours for only as much courage as it takes to hop a fence and get away clean
Number 4 - Guinealess Pig
Known as Cachon sans-guinea in the south of France, this is for the meat lover in your life who will eat just about anything. Today the dullard companion of unwashed rural children, few remember its gastronomic uses. It has a smooth, if not rubbery, texture and is more than filling. The humbler glutton might make cracklings of its mud-caked skin. Best served with an apple in its maw.
Known as Cachon sans-guinea in the south of France, this is for the meat lover in your life who will eat just about anything. Today the dullard companion of unwashed rural children, few remember its gastronomic uses. It has a smooth, if not rubbery, texture and is more than filling. The humbler glutton might make cracklings of its mud-caked skin. Best served with an apple in its maw.
Number 3 - Capuchin Monkey (from Butcher Greg)
Nothing like a primate to get the foodie’s wheels turning. With prehensile tails, terrible attitudes, and a horrid face to top it off, these little creatures make you feel GOOD about turning their life force into a food source. I don’t trust anyone with my monkey meat unless it's my butcher, Greg. Want to find him? Good luck pal. Make your own connections. No such thing as a free lunch.
Nothing like a primate to get the foodie’s wheels turning. With prehensile tails, terrible attitudes, and a horrid face to top it off, these little creatures make you feel GOOD about turning their life force into a food source. I don’t trust anyone with my monkey meat unless it's my butcher, Greg. Want to find him? Good luck pal. Make your own connections. No such thing as a free lunch.
Number 2 - Guinea Pig
Whatever ‘guineaing” is, it makes a critter damn tasty. Unlike their squalid counterparts, guinea pigs are no-fuss Andean pockets of deliciousness. Que Sabroso! Keep them on ice and wrap them in foil for an even char. Prepare them al carbon and before you know it, you’ll be using their whiskers to floss out tiny piggy toes.
Whatever ‘guineaing” is, it makes a critter damn tasty. Unlike their squalid counterparts, guinea pigs are no-fuss Andean pockets of deliciousness. Que Sabroso! Keep them on ice and wrap them in foil for an even char. Prepare them al carbon and before you know it, you’ll be using their whiskers to floss out tiny piggy toes.
Number 1 - Bearded Dragon
Don't even BOTHER cooking these hard-scaled suckers if you're unwilling to use an open flame or have less than an armful. With a hard outer shell and an exotic umami inside, just one of these Aussie indulgences will leave you wanting more, more, MORE. Crack one open, pass it to your best pal, and watch these little lizards make you the talk of the town.
Don't even BOTHER cooking these hard-scaled suckers if you're unwilling to use an open flame or have less than an armful. With a hard outer shell and an exotic umami inside, just one of these Aussie indulgences will leave you wanting more, more, MORE. Crack one open, pass it to your best pal, and watch these little lizards make you the talk of the town.