Voting Registration Volunteers Just Beat The Shit Out Of You Now
September 25th, 2026
ANNE BELK – Are you registered to vote? You may want to be. As of today, the voting registration volunteers are officially authorized to use “any means necessary” to get you to put your name and address down. Several students have stumbled away from the Belk Library frontlines with gashes, compound fractures, or worse yet, missing limbs. The Rotten Appal Field Team went down to the battleground to investigate the recent affairs.
One encouraged enrollee had this to say: “AHH, AHHHHH FUCK HOLY SHIT MY ARM OH MY GOD YOU CUT MY FUCKING ARM OFF WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OH MY…[cut for brevity].”
A registration volunteer, when asked for their thoughts on the matter, began frothing at the mouth and shuddering, whispering, “you changed your address? no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO! you have to re-register to vote. it’ll be your fault when they get re-elected.”
“i'll love you forever if you register.”
One encouraged enrollee had this to say: “AHH, AHHHHH FUCK HOLY SHIT MY ARM OH MY GOD YOU CUT MY FUCKING ARM OFF WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OH MY…[cut for brevity].”
A registration volunteer, when asked for their thoughts on the matter, began frothing at the mouth and shuddering, whispering, “you changed your address? no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO! you have to re-register to vote. it’ll be your fault when they get re-elected.”
“i'll love you forever if you register.”
